MAN ABOUT TOWN: Sinking on the Good Ship Ti-Tiny
By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Staff
February 8, 2010
(Redbook Edition: Words taken from actual statements appear in red. Other dialogue is conjectural.)
Time: Right about now
Scene: The Good Ship Ti-Tiny, a modern, “Little” version of an earlier, larger, vessel
Cast:
MAT (The Man About Town)
Captain Gardner
First Officer Lippman
Retired Officer Chavern (confidant to the Captain’s husband)
Various passengers
The curtain rises:
MAT – The ship is sinking! Man the lifeboats! A large luxury liner, the Arlington, is not far away. We can reach it safely if we act now.
Passenger #1 – It’s disheartening to hear this loudmouth day after day. Instead of continually urging us to abandon ship, why doesn’t he offer a constructive solution?
Passenger #2 — Look – here comes Captain Gardner. She’ll tell us what to do. What’s the latest news, Captain?
Captain Gardner – It’s fine. The ship hasn’t sunk, so it’s fine. It’s not affecting our forward motion, so it’s fine. It’s not affecting our ability to serve meals, so it’s fine.
(A distant voice is heard – something between a wail and a howl, but the wind obscures it such that only the audience can understand the words.)
First Officer Lippman: This is the first time I’ve had to eat my words. . . . I’ve never been one who believed the sky could fall, but this time it did. . . . This is awful, this is worse than awful. . . . This is a perfect storm. . . . Never in my wildest dreams did I think (the rest is drowned out by the wind).
Retired Officer Chavern (oblivious to Lippman’s cry): The Captain is exactly right. As I advised her husband yesterday: Everybody stay calm – the sky isn’t falling. We just need to maintain our present momentum. If everybody would just keep doing what they did on our last voyage, then we would be fine. This is a big deal but not the end of the world.
MAT – The ship is sinking! We have lifeboats. The Arlington is prepared to pick us up. Wake up, smell the coffee, and act.
Passenger #3 – MAT used to be somewhat entertaining, but lately he’s become too negative.
Passenger #4 – That’s right. Imagine suggesting we leave the Ti-Tiny! If I had wanted to book passage on the Arlington, I would have done so. I didn’t want to then and I don’t want to now. It’s large, it’s impersonal, and we wouldn’t have all the amenities we enjoy on the Ti-Tiny, such as fulltime child care.
MAT – The ship is sinking!
Passenger #5 – Even if the ship is sinking, that’s no reason to abandon it. We just need to redesign it. I’ve been studying how the bow cuts through the ice, and over time we could make the bow a lot more efficient. The rudder needs work, as well.
MAT – Man the lifeboats!
Passenger #6 (becoming hysterical) – No, no, no, no, no. Over my dead body! They’ll have to take us by force before we board either the Arlington or the Fairfax — which we may do if we take on any more water.
Passenger #7 – Speaking of the Fairfax, I understand it’s not in the greatest shape either. They’re bailing out water themselves. I figure, I may be on a sinking ship, but it’s MY sinking ship, and somehow I just feel better about that.
Passenger #8 – Me too. Plus, this is a LITTLE sinking ship, so I know all my cabin mates. If I had to stroll around on the deck of the Fairfax, I wouldn’t even know who to speak to.
MAT – Wait! Why is anyone talking about the Fairfax? The Arlington is closer, and it’s our sister ship anyway. We share some of the same crew. And if we’d just ask the Arlington to throw us a lifeline, we wouldn’t even have to abandon the Ti-Tiny. We could just attach the Ti-Tiny to the Arlington’s stern and we wouldn’t sink.
Passenger #2 – Oh, look – here comes Captain Gardner again. She’ll tell us what to do. What news, Captain?
Captain Gardner – Attention everybody! I have an important announcement to make. The ship’s officers have met in another of a series of lengthy work sessions and we have established our first priority. Effective immediately, all available resources will be allocated toward rearranging the deck chairs on the Ti-Tiny.
By George Southern
February 8, 2010
I’d love to see a troupe of high schoolers take on this creative script for a performance. Ah, too politically incorrect for the prevailing Times [oops!] times. The thought was fun while it lasted…. I don’t know enough to know if you are right George, but keep manning your post at the bullhorn.
George,
I am proud to be Passenger 6!
Over my dead body!
Stan Fendley
Great piece of writing, George! Very colorful and entertaining. The winter wonderland has not dulled your wits whatsoever. However, your piece begs for you to address a couple of related topics:
1. The good ship Arlington has no established towns. Only loosely-defined neighborhoods. It never had more than two towns, and both have been dissolved into the greater county for many decades. If Falls Church loses its independence and becomes part of Arlington, doesn’t county precedent argue that it could not be a town–merely another “area” within the county?
2. Could Falls Church, in fact, join Arlington? People tell me there is some sort of Virginia law requiring jurisdictions which retrocede to do so into their former jurisdictions. If true, that would mean Falls Church has no choice but (gulp) re-join the good ship Fairfax.
Why don’t you devote future stories to these topics? Perhaps a bit of journalistic sleuthing on your part will turn up some interesting information…
GEORGE SOUTHERN RESPONDS: Thanks, Brad, for your thoughtful comment. Whatever might happen will not be determined by laws or regulations, since the Virginia legislature can override anything, given the political will. As I wrote a few weeks earlier, nothing will happen without a groundswell of public opinion. Right now I’m just a voice crying in the wilderness. But if Falls Church City’s longterm financial viability is shot, as it certainly appears to be, then, obviously, something has to be done. But overcoming political inertia is a Sisyphean task.
I agree with Brad. Great writing and very entertaining! Thank you George for taking the time to create that.
Hey, I get to make the same post I made on 2/2 on the prior column about giving the schools to Arlington (realized over time that all the discussion on that post was about the quality of the schools and what and where to cut). If this is a serious suggestion, then some specific questions need to be addressed. This is not a complete list, but it does represent an effort to raise some initial points:
There are some interesting points of view expressed in these posts, but I don’t see a description of the core premise — how exactly would the City of Fall Church give its schools to Arlington? And why to Arlington, rather than Fairfax County from whence the City came? Would Arlington want the schools? How would Arlington tax the residents of Falls Church for taking over and operating the schools? And if the City no longer ran a school system, could it or would it continue to function as an independent city? Are the schools of any of the other independent cities in Virginia run by adjacent counties?
It seems to me that we have some places still to cut — how about George, or the arborists, just to name two. Last time I checked, trees grew without the need of assistance from arborists…..Enough? Probably not, but in the private sector, we have had to make tough cuts, laying off people, pay cuts, etc. In the school, there should be only one criterion. Protect the teachers. Then cut cut cut cut the bureaucrats not in the classroom.
Actually, I really never speak (or otherwise communicate) with Mike. He just lets me post whatever I want to post without prior review or editorial oversight — which is a rare thing these days. In fact, his is the only Falls Church outlet that allows me to do that.
Per http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairfax,_Virginia,
The public schools in the City of Fairfax are owned by the city, but administered by the Fairfax County Public Schools system under contractual agreement with Fairfax County.
David, the FCT does not edit your posts. If you wrote a letter, they would publish it unedited. I imagine if you used profanity, they would edit you, but otherwise, it seems to be fair publishing here.
George, if you have evidence that Falls Church City’s long term viability is shot, show the numbers. Generalizations don’t count. With due respect, because I like your sense of humor and ability to create discussion, you will remain a voice in the wilderness without the numbers.
You don’t have to use profanity to get edited, you just have to say something that’s not PC. Which I sometimes do. But I also respect the website owner’s right to censor.
We have an election coming up. I wonder how many people will run on the platform of shutting down the City and becoming part of Arlington? George, you throwing your hat in?
Andy, I politely and respectfully request that you be more careful in characterizing, paraphrasing, and/or summarizing the comments of others. George has certainly suggested that FC should become part of Arlington. However, he has not come close to saying that FC should be “shut down”—- a choice of words that unnecessarily and unfairly puts a negative spin on his proposal. In fact, while he can speak for himself, I would guess that his suggestion is intended to accomplish the opposite result, i.e., to save and revitalize our community. [The foregoing statements do not represent my own views one way or the other on whether becoming part of Arlington is or is not a good idea.]
Lou, sorry about that! I guess I was suggesting, in a round about way, that George was suggesting we shut down the City (and by that I mean make the City part of Arlington and cease operations of any of the City functions).
I *think* George’s position is that Falls Church should become a Town within Arlington County. I’m curious to see if anyone runs on that platform as well.
Personally, I don’t think being a Town within Arlington makes any sense (we would pay higher taxes than if we were just Arlington for a benefit that’s not clear to me). If we’re going to be part of Arlington let’s just be a neighborhood in the County and be treated like the rest of the County.
I don’t think I’m the only person who feels strongly that the main reason for the existence of Falls Church as a City is so we can have our own schools. I haven’t seen any suggestions from George where that would continue to be true if we join Arlington so I don’t see how his suggestion could save or revitalize our community (at least the part that is most important to me).
Anyway, my point is that George keeps floating this idea and it would be interesting to me if someone ran for City Council with the stated intention of working towards joining Arlington in one form or another.
Please find another dead horse to beat. Buried in your piece are some legitimate issues, but this is not the way to start a discussion by mocking people.
Personally, I don’t think the ship is sinking. As many other municipalities, we have had a hard slap of reality after many years of increasing revenue and budgets. I think with good management we can right our course. The up-coming election is very important to our future
Aw now Matey, why all the doom and gloom? We just need to raise the price for our slimy landlubber passangers. Why do we limit ourselves to taxing only their vehicles and homes when we could tax their entire duffle? Ay, a TV tax (by the inch), swing set tax, text message tax, vacuum cleaner tax….Arrrr the possibilities are endless. Ay, and filing fees – charge a separate fee for each sticker required to be put in a street-facing window proclaiming each new tax is paid!
Our days of hornswaggling treasure through the off-ship water tax may have to end, but scuffer me uppers, we can pilfer their loot in other ways! Ay, no need to rely solely on our passengers for booty. Why, we could put ezpass readers on route 7 and 29! (of course they would need to be set up such that driving Hillwood Ave. would bypass all tolls). And parking meters! And extra restaurant taxes! (oops we already did that one). Anti-business? Nonsense – airlines now charge baggage fees and people still fly!
It will be hard to spend the treasure collected; are ye confident we can repeat our “double the budget” act over the next five years? We must recruit some more tax collectors into the paid ranks!
Gordon: Actually, you are wrong. First, if you want to post [an opinion article in] the FCT, that goes through a review/edit process. I am not complaining about that — it is the site owner’s right and they have treated me well — but it is a fact.
I have no idea what the FCT policies are regarding “letters to the editor.” I assume that they review them and reserve the right not to post everything submitted. The FCNP certainly edits letters to the editor — Nick has cut out some of my best lines!
As to Blueweeds, there is this common assumption that because I post there that I am somehow tied in with Mike and agree with all of his views. That is flatly ridiculous. First, he and I come from very different places politically. Secondly, I personally don’t have to agree with a site to read it and enjoy it. For goodness sakes, I read HuffingtonPost and Firedoglake just to get mad enough to get myself going in the morning.
Love him or hate him, Mike was an innovator in this town (I doubt there would be a FCT without there having first been a Blueweeds), some of his stuff is very funny and he lets me post what I please. I am not sure that I need to know or agree with any more.
Now HERE’S what Ti-Tiny is really all about to me: http://bit.ly/cyk5g9
Enjoy and contemplate the above link during the snow.
Andy, great job! Using the other person’s exact words (might want to consider quotation marks all the time) is a sure-fire way to avoid inaccurate paraphrasing or summarizing. Then you just have to worry about people griping that you’ve taken things out of context. Actually, my main concern is that you keep teasing George about running for Council. Please stop. We have enough problems with the current crew!
Melissa, lighten up. George’s piece was an attempt at humor and satire— mockery is a natural component. (See Rob’s excellent post using a similar technique.) The subject matter is most definitely not a “dead horse.” We are in a nasty bind which, unlike the common cold, cannot be blamed entirely on either George Bush or Barack Obama. As you so correctly state: “the up-coming election is very important to our future.” If George’s article bothered you that much, you will never survive the next three months!
Lou – I guess the problem I had is George’s satire wasn’t really that funny. Reminded me of a corny, over the top joke from an old uncle.
George keeps bringing up the same subject of abandoning ship over and over despite it not getting any traction with most citizens. I think that is the definition of a “dead horse.” I am not saying it isn’t a valid option, but at this moment it is not on the table at all.
I imagine in the next three months waters will be choppy, but I am hoping for real honest discussion of our issues including long-term financial management, forecasting budgets, taxes versus services, development goals, etc.
Well George, I am totally sympathetic to your preoccupation with a possibly vital topic that nobody else seems to care about, or at least agree with. I think the thing to do is just keep trying to find ways to restate your thoughts and hope somebody finally gets your point. That’s what I do.
Melissa – looking for some satire that is actually funny, this is a comment by Robert Loblaw on the FCNP site. I had a good laugh.
“Bob Young, Robin Gardner , Carol Jackson, and Nick Benton are so cozy they would not mind sharing a toothbrush. Thank goodness Bob saved Carol’s project and Robin is still mayor to push it through and Nick can spin it the way they all agree they want to. Credit to all of you. You know how to work the system and now that Saunder is out of the way and the only hurdle left is the 5 part pushover council, the finish line is in sight. No proffers and no parking spaces and no left turns out of the buildings. Sounds like an awesome deal for the City. Dan Sze will even sit back and say, “We are driving development here in the City.” What a joke…! Giving all our “developer attraction money” to help build an affordable apartment building that will not house hardly any currently rent burdened residents and putting a feather in the cap of Carol sounds like a good use of our money to me. Bravo!”
Dreaming, this is why I’ve been mentioning the upcoming election. It’s one thing to post about the idea on the FCT, but to really get the option on the table it seems like someone needs to run for City Council with the stated goal of joining forces (or whatever exact thing George wants to do) with Arlington County. I’m guessing that person won’t get any traction, but the idea itself won’t ever go anywhere unless there are folks on Council who are willing to entertain it.
Dear George,
Perhaps others are willing to just let your vessel sail by, as just another, if small, addition to the armada of trash-laden ships that passes for currently acceptable political discourse. But I expected much better of you. When you’ve used your evident creativity and keen intelligence to analyze our problems and recommend sound strategies for their solution, that has done a great service, even if you highlighted the folly of certain policymakers (myself included). But your post this time is no more than a cheap shot at the Mayor, Vice Mayor and a former Council member, and it is unworthy of the flagship for responsible journalism that the FCT can represent. Moreover, it seems quite cynical — if the city really is in such dire shape, your post is like calling for another happy tune from the band while the ship sinks. I suggest that you apologize and steer a course for a brighter horizon.
1st Rule of Op-Ed Journalism: If you’re going to dish it out, you’d better be ready to take it. So, no hard feelings even though Kieran is being a little sharp with me. And I’m beginning to think that Gordon Theisz and Melissa Teates are playing the roles of good cop/bad cop. Melissa, as the bad cop you need to try harder. After my experience of exposing four children to my corny dinner-table jokes throughout their teenage years, the abuse they heaped on me in retribution makes your crack about the elderly uncle seem, in comparison, high praise. So, in the immortal words of GWB, “Bring it on!”
“Old uncle.” Ouch!