MAN ABOUT TOWN: For Short Attention Spans (Say What?)

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Columnist

In recognition of reduced attention spans, this week’s column comes in bite-size nuggets:

CITY JAIL NEEDS HEALTH INSURANCE

Kaiser-Permanente is right down the street, but the City of Falls Church lacks a healthcare plan – at least for its prisoners. The City’s Chief Financial Officer has informed City Council that after City police arrested a shoplifter, the suspect was found to be suffering from “a thesaurus” of health complaints. Our good Little City picked up the tab for $100,000 of medical care before police managed to transfer the prisoner into state custody.

LITTLE CITY DECAL

Speaking of the “Little City,” did you get your decal in this week’s News-Press? It’s a little sticker, paid for by the Economic Development Authority. I’m pondering what to do with it — stick it on the bumper of my minivan? Meanwhile, I’m keeping my eyes peeled for stickers around town, as a basis of judging how much support this slogan is getting. Haven’t spotted any yet.

SLOPPY BOOKKEEPING

The financial crisis is really causing municipalities to sharpen their accounting pencils – so far at Falls Church’s expense. First we heard about losing the local share of state sales tax for a number of businesses that checked the “Falls Church City” box just because their mailing address said “Falls Church” when they were actually located in places like Culmore. Now we hear that for an indefinite period of time, the Falls Church Volunteer Fire Department has been filling up its fire trucks at an Arlington County facility, and getting them serviced there as well – free of charge. Arlington suddenly woke up, and the bills are in the mail.

TRAFFIC CAMERAS GET A RED LIGHT . . .

Remember how the City contracted to have four “red light” cameras installed by January 1? Red tape tied up the red lights, and now Police Chief Reitze can only promise that two red light cameras will be installed sometime this year. Locations are not specified. MAT hopes to find out where, and to compare the duration of the yellow lights before and after the cameras go up. One of the red light camera national scandals was the discovery that some independent contractors reduced the yellow light duration in order to generate more tickets.

. . . AND SPEED BUMPS GET THE AXE

MAT wrote some months ago about the “El Cheapo” speed bumps installed on East Columbia Street and how they encouraged head-on collisions to avoid the bump. Well, the snow plows made short work of the plastic ramps, and now the City has removed the residue, except on Van Buren Street. Meanwhile, the asphalt bumps on Grove Avenue held up fine, as they have year after year. (When my daughter was in high school, she made a science of hitting those bumps just slow enough not to leave our van’s suspension hanging on the bump.)

OBAMA’S BRACKETS

Our Feature Video shows President Obama filling out his 63 picks for the NCAA basketball playoffs. I watched the video, and Obama clearly knows his basketball, making comments about the coaches, which players show the most strength, etc. I guess the reason we’re featuring the video is because our Food Editor, Jimmy Scarano, is a basketball nut and has organized the first Falls Church Times NCAA Pick’Em Tourney.

Well, I like Jimmy a lot, and didn’t want to hurt his feelings by not playing. But I’m just not a basketball guy. I haven’t watched a single game this season – in fact the last time I was even aware of the tournament was when George Mason made the final four in 2006. But, just to be “one of the guys,” I spent a couple of minutes filling out the grid, basing my choices on random intuition – e.g., my grandfather attended Cornell, so I picked it.

The only other time I’ve picked a pool was in college. One day I came to class early, and my favorite English professor was filling out a faculty pool sheet. He knew absolutely nothing about sports but didn’t want to be a spoil-sport by refusing to play. So he asked me to help him pick teams, but he couldn’t have chosen anyone more ignorant. Never shy to offer an opinion, I confidently answered every question – even about schools I had never heard of. He won the entire faculty pool, and said he really should split the winnings with me, but didn’t want to get in trouble.

So, after two rounds of play, I’m not surprised to be in 1^st place in the FCT tourney, with 36 out of 48 correct picks. According to Yahoo, that’s in the top 4 percent nationwide. Meanwhile, among the folks who know and love basketball, Jimmy’s in 4^th place, my nemesis Andy Rankin is tied for 6^th, George Bromley, Brian Williams and Gordon Theisz are tied for 14^th, and poor Dave Witzel’s at 32^nd.

Oh, and President Obama? He had a great first round (25-7, same as MAT) but faltered in the second.

MAN ABOUT TOWN: Why Things Won’t Get Any Better

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Columnist

March 15, 2010

Back when my business card read “International Economist,” I was painfully aware how much less I knew about the dismal science than such a lofty title implied. But it really didn’t matter if I was dumb as a stump, because when I made interventions at U.N. conferences, everything I said was pre-ordained by government policy. Not facts, not logic, not reality – just government policy. And so it is today in the Little City.

Politics is like religion – you have to have faith. “Fear not – believe only, and Falls Church will be saved.”  This is the dogma being preached on high – by City Council, the School Board, the “newspaper of record,” and pretty much everyone else who bothers to make their thoughts public. The argument goes like this:

– Falls Church is a special place to live, a wonderful place to raise a family, and a great place to send your kids to school.

– The recession is causing the City to raise taxes and cut services.

– When the recession is over, the City will again be “made whole.”

– Anyone who fails to “believe” obviously hates Falls Church.

That’s the dogma, and don’t let the facts get in the way. But what if we could look at the economics behind the City’s past, present, and future? What if dollars and demographics could be discussed dispassionately? What story would be told? Maybe something like this:

For the first 40 years of its existence (1948-88), things were pretty much the same in little Falls Church as in areas just across our borders. Then, sometime around 25 years ago, the effects of the great demographic shift began to be felt. Fomented by the economic collapse in Mexico, the Salvadoran civil war, and a local construction boom, Latino immigrants began pouring into the area, many settling inside the Beltway in 1950s apartment houses that no longer attracted native English speakers. The immigrants worked hard and supported large families, and the percentage of non-native-speaking students in the schools doubled, trebled, and quadrupled over time. Read more

MAN ABOUT TOWN: For Men and Boys Only

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Columnist

March 8, 2010

I expect the Man About Town’s readership to drop by half this week, because my subject is of little interest to the fairer sex. Even my dear departed mother, once my biggest fan, would struggle to get through today’s column.

That’s ironic, because the phenomenon I’m addressing is due entirely to mothers. It’s the mothers, you see, who, when their sons grow up and leave home, throw away their comic book collections. That’s why old comic books are rare – although millions were printed, millions of mothers threw them away.

And so, many a Citizen Kane, after making his first million or first billion, seeks his “Rosebud” – a link to the lost idyll of childhood. That’s why pristine issues of the first Superman and Batman comics recently sold for over $1 million. And while the buyers remained anonymous, we can be sure they were men.

Girls don’t experience the same emotional attachment to comics. Sure, my daughters read a lot of Archie comic books. But only Archie – never the superheros. I think it’s because Archie’s girlfriends, Betty and Veronica, and the high school dating themes provide a fascination for pre-teen girls that overcomes their natural lack of interest in comics.

At Victory Comics, which just opened in the old Dinettes and Stools store on Maple Avenue across from Pearson Square, owner Jeff Weaver estimates that out of 100 visitors, 95 are male (not counting mothers accompanying their sons).

Weaver’s mother was different from your mother and my mother: she never threw away his comic books. He kept collecting and now has two freight containers full. For years he traveled the weekend comic show circuit before finally deciding to throw over his day job on Capitol Hill (Chief of Staff for Sen. Bernie Sanders-VT) and go for the real thing. Comics are serious business.

Weaver, who resides on Lincoln Avenue in Falls Church, is on his way to having the biggest comic book store in the state. He’s got plenty of room for expansion, but right now most of his collection remains in his containers. I paid a visit over the weekend and didn’t come away empty-handed. When I got home I asked my wife (who declined to accompany me) to guess how much the most expensive comic book in the store cost.

“I have no idea,” came the disinterested reply.

“Six-fifty,” I informed her, and then showed her my purchase – a reprint of Walt Disney’s Uncle Scrooge, created by comic book genius Carl Barks. Leafing through the comic at the store, I realized that I remembered the story from reading it 45 years ago. Of course I had to have it, and paid $12 for it.

“Wait a minute – I thought you said the most expensive comic was six-fifty,” my wife responded.  So I had to explain — $650. That’s actually cheap: Weaver sold a poor-quality Superman #1 several years ago at a comics show. It was in such bad condition that it only brought $35,000. Collectors value quality. Read more

MAN ABOUT TOWN: 120 Days of Little City Predictions

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Staff

March 1, 2010

One of my jobs when stationed overseas was to analyze the political and economic situation in such-in-such a country and make predictions. Unable to break that habit, I submit the following predictions for the next 120 days in the “Little Republic of Falls Church.”

RED INK UPDATE: To keep this interesting, as each date passes I’ll mark in red ink what actually happened.

Tuesday, March 2: The School Board will vote a “Tier 2” proposed budget totaling $1.1 million ($2.1 million) less than last year’s. The Board will emphasize that the cuts are in spite of an estimated 41 additional students (costing $750,000) expected next year. But because of reductions in state and other non-city revenue, the $1.1 million ($2.1 million) reduction means only $735,000 ($1.3 million) relief to the City’s schools contribution.

Monday, March 8: City Manager Wyatt Shields will submit a proposed overall budget to the City Council recommending a 22 cent (20 cent, but advertise 23 cent) tax increase to the current $1.07, equaling $1.29 ($1.27, but advertise $1.30). Shields will declare that this is the absolute minimum increase the City can enact and still function as a municipality. The 22 cent (20 cent) increase will produce $6.6 million ($6 million) revenue to counteract the anticipated $8.9 million shortfall, leaving $2.3 million ($2.9 million) outstanding, which Shields will propose to divide evenly (not completely evenly) between the City fund and the Schools fund ($1.15 million reduction from each) ($1.3 million from Schools, as proposed by School Board, and remaining $1.6 million from City). This would entail an additional $415,000 reduction (no additional reduction, as School Board already proposed a larger reduction) of the Schools budget.

Shields will further note that the proposed new tax rate means that the “median homeowner” would pay an additional $1,000 ($976) property tax per year, or $2.75 ($2.67) a day. This will inevitably be compared with the cost of a large cup of Starbucks coffee ($2.29 including the 9 percent tax effective in City limits). Read more

MAN ABOUT TOWN: Talking Trash

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Staff

February 22, 2010

I happened to be home when the garbage truck backed into my cul-de-sac last Wednesday – a welcome sight since we had gone two weeks without a pickup. The neighbors had all carried their trash to one pile – dozens upon dozens of plastic bags, including many little grocery sacks. Back in the day, garbage trucks had three men, with what I considered the “cushy” job being that of the driver. No longer. Perhaps because of the City’s hiring freeze, the trucks I see have only two men, so the driver has to get out and help. I watched while one man picked up bags from the snow bank and tossed them to the truck, where the other man threw them in. It took several minutes, and they were working pretty fast. Not a job I would want.

The psychologist B.F. Skinner suggested that in an ideal society, jobs would be differentiated according to their degree of unpleasantness. A window-washer, or a garbage man, might only have to work four hours a day because the job was so odious (or odorous).  Meanwhile, a musician (or a newspaper columnist?) would be expected to labor perhaps 10 hours a day, given how much fun s/he was having.

Although nobody paid any attention to Skinner’s proposal, one bit of fairness has developed over the years: Garbage men may have the worst job, but they tend to get decently compensated for it. Municipal garbage workers typically receive all the benefits of a government job, including health insurance, pension contribution, public holidays, sick leave, overtime, and job security. That’s the case in Falls Church (at least for the garbage workers – the recycling is contracted out to a private firm).

But – government jobs are expensive. People tend to stay in them forever (I speak from experience), earning a little more every year, accruing a larger pension and more annual leave. Of the five garbage workers currently working for the City, two have more than 20 years on the job. And experience, as always, counts for a lot. Everyone seems to agree that garbage service in the City is excellent.

But is it worth the price? The City administration says no, and wants to do what 6,000 other municipalities have done – contract out garbage pickup to a private service. The cost savings is claimed at $200,000 a year. Read more

MAN ABOUT TOWN: Talking Tax Dollars and Sense

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Staff

February 15, 2010

While some folks seemed to enjoy the Man About Town’s little morality play aboard the Good Ship Ti-Tiny last week, others said, in effect, to quit “playing” around. If I’m so sure that Falls Church City has no long-term viability, they said, I should put my money (or the taxpayers’ money) where my mouth is, and document why.

I realize now that in advocating for Falls Church to become a town inside Arlington County, I was putting the cart before the horse. People aren’t ready for such a drastic step, because the thought leaders are telling them that the Little City just has to survive a one-time drought, after which things will be OK.

So instead of playing in the snow last week, I was ensconced on the Internet in search of the facts that my critics demand. The first nugget came from perhaps the least likely source: Falls Church News-Press owner/editor Nick Benton.

I say “least likely” because Mr. Benton’s newspaper is the City’s #1 cheerleader – not the place for doom and gloom prognostications. But Benton’s been covering the City full time for 20 years, and if anyone should be aware of the impending train wreck, he should.

Well, guess what? A series of News-Press articles from 2007 mirrors my own claims that the City has no long-term viability. In an August 24, 2007, editorial, Benton wrote that “one of the City’s wisest and most respected administrators stated not that long ago that he doubted the City could sustain itself as an independent jurisdiction for the long haul in its current configuration due to its lack of capacity for expanding and diversifying its tax base.”

A week earlier, Benton wrote that Falls Church’s founders “never envisioned that the City would remain a mere 2.2 square miles. They felt that to secure its long-term sustainability, the city would have to expand, incorporating large enough sections of Fairfax County to contain a population of 25,000 or 30,000.”

Benton’s “solution” was for Fairfax County to cede 12 square miles and 71,000 residents to Falls Church. In exchange we would give Fairfax County our waterworks and let Mason District Supervisor Penny Gross be our mayor. But as anyone would expect, that lead balloon didn’t fly, and there’s been no further mention in the News-Press of the City’s non-sustainability.

The prevailing wisdom is that Falls Church can survive by means of dense commercial development of its corridors. But listen to the professional developer who knows this area better than anyone else. Yes, I mean Bob Young — developer of the Flower Building, the Read Building, the Panera Building, the Elevation Burger building, and more – and with plans to build a Hilton Hotel. Read more

MAN ABOUT TOWN: Sinking on the Good Ship Ti-Tiny

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Staff

February 8, 2010

(Redbook Edition:  Words taken from actual statements appear in red. Other dialogue is conjectural.)

Time: Right about now

Scene: The Good Ship Ti-Tiny, a modern, “Little” version of an earlier, larger, vessel

Cast:
MAT (The Man About Town)
Captain Gardner
First Officer Lippman
Retired Officer Chavern (confidant to the Captain’s husband)
Various  passengers

The curtain rises:

MAT – The ship is sinking! Man the lifeboats! A large luxury liner, the Arlington, is not far away. We can reach it safely if we act now.

Passenger #1 – It’s disheartening to hear this loudmouth day after day. Instead of continually urging us to abandon ship, why doesn’t he offer a constructive solution?

Passenger #2 — Look – here comes Captain Gardner. She’ll tell us what to do. What’s the latest news, Captain?

Captain Gardner – It’s fine. The ship hasn’t sunk, so it’s fine. It’s not affecting our forward motion, so it’s fine. It’s not affecting our ability to serve meals, so it’s fine.

(A distant voice is heard – something between a wail and a howl, but the wind obscures it such that only the audience can understand the words.)

First Officer Lippman: This is the first time I’ve had to eat my words.  . . . I’ve never been one who believed the sky could fall, but this time it did.  . . .  This is awful, this is worse than awful.  . . .  This is a perfect storm.  . . . Never in my wildest dreams did I think (the rest is drowned out by the wind).

Retired Officer Chavern (oblivious to Lippman’s cry): The Captain is exactly right. As I advised her husband yesterday:  Everybody stay calm – the sky isn’t falling. We just need to maintain our present momentum. If everybody would just keep doing what they did on our last voyage, then we would be fine. This is a big deal but not the end of the world.

MAT – The ship is sinking! We have lifeboats. The Arlington is prepared to pick us up. Wake up, smell the coffee, and act.

Passenger #3 – MAT used to be somewhat entertaining, but lately he’s become too negative.

Passenger #4 – That’s right. Imagine suggesting we leave the Ti-Tiny! If I had wanted to book passage on the Arlington, I would have done so. I didn’t want to then and I don’t want to now. It’s large, it’s impersonal, and we wouldn’t have all the amenities we enjoy on the Ti-Tiny, such as fulltime child care.

MAT – The ship is sinking!

Passenger #5 – Even if the ship is sinking, that’s no reason to abandon it. We just need to redesign it.  I’ve been studying how the bow cuts through the ice, and over time we could make the bow a lot more efficient. The rudder needs work, as well.

MAT – Man the lifeboats!

Passenger #6 (becoming hysterical) – No, no, no, no, no. Over my dead body! They’ll have to take us by force before we board either the Arlington or the Fairfax — which we may do if we take on any more water.

Read more

MAN ABOUT TOWN: It’s All About the Schools, Stupid

By GEORGE SOUTHERN
Falls Church Times Staff

February 1, 2010

I write this with trepidation, aware that if I keep urging that Falls Church City Schools merge with Arlington schools, the Man About Town might become the Man Run Out of Town.

But – these are desperate times. I keep thinking about a comment Gordon Theisz made three weeks ago: “The schools are why Falls Church became independent in the first place. If you give away the schools, then why bother to run the town/city?”

The good doctor makes a good point: It really is all about the schools. And in urging that we merge with Arlington schools, I’m not trying to save money – I’m trying to save the schools.

Remember Around the World in 80 Days? Crossing the Atlantic on a steamboat, the heroes run low on fuel. So Phineas Fogg buys the boat and orders it stripped of everything that will burn to fuel the boiler. He wins his bet, but the ship is left a mere skeleton.

That’s what I see happening to our school system. We’ll stay independent at all costs – stripped of the programs that make education an enriching experience. Read more

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